


The Stars are Falling

by in_too_deep_geronimo



Series: WILD: Phan Songfics [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2011 Phan, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Meme Sons, Phanfiction, Songfic, but like, mentions of the v-day video, more like the aftermath, not in depth talking of what's actually in the video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 11:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4786244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_too_deep_geronimo/pseuds/in_too_deep_geronimo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Oh.”<br/>Oh fuck.<br/>He feels everything around him stop, he feels hollow and his fingers are numb and he can feel it spreading. Everything starts spinning and he hears Dan give a small whimper. No, it couldn’t be. Right? This can’t actually be happening, YouTube would never cock something up this badly, surely.</p>
<p>Based on EASE by Troye Sivan</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Stars are Falling

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back and alive (suprisingly)! Thanks to everyone who has given me kudos, commented, or bookmarked on my last work, it motivated me so much to write more. 
> 
> Special thanks to my beta, Alex, who thankfully didn't kill me for posting last time without her looking it over and just took her wrath out on me over skype instead! That being said, she gave me constructive criticism and ultimately any mistakes at this point are all mine.
> 
> Disclaimer is the same as last time: we can't confirm, so we might as well just ship and again, all lyrics are Troye Sivan's (I'll always #spon his EP)
> 
> SO, here you go, 2011 phan from Phil's POV (last time was from Dan's sorry for only mentioning this now oops)

Phil looks up. There are cats the size of horses and horses the size of cats, and for some reason Dan is dancing around the flat while yelling about taxes and the next electrical payment, and hold on a sec, this isn’t his flat. Why the hell is he in Hyde Park wearing just a sheet when he was literally just in his flat’s lounge, what even is happening? Also, why does he feel tingly? Like, just on his right arm, what’s up with that, is he leaning on a beehive?

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Phil’s being smacked on the shoulder and his eyes fly open in surprise. He grips at the sheet on their bed, trying to place where he is (he’s praying it’s not Hyde Park) when he hears Dan mumbling something behind him. Thank god. It was all just a dream, Phil hates taxes and cats the size of horses are legitimately terrifying. Wait; hold up, IS he leaning against a beehive? Phil is at least 85% sure he’s awake right now, but still feels slight vibrations. He flips over from his side onto his back and stares at his ceiling when his brain finally wakes up enough to hear what Dan’s saying.

“Phil, did you accidentally start another group text, because your phone hasn’t stopped going off and it’s literally so bloody annoying. Like, here I am, trying to get some sleep after a hardcore browsing session that went until fucking three o’clock in the morning and it’s currently not late enough for me to be waking up right now.”

Oh. _Oh_. That actually makes loads more sense than leaning on a beehive in their bed. Clearly it was just his phone. Phil squints up at the white plaster while trying to remember if he did start a group chat or set an alarm, but he comes up empty. He’s dragged back to reality, his phone blowing up from something that happened, but what?

“Philly, did you hear me? I will throw that thing across the room, you spork, shitty iPhone screen be damned!”

“Uh,” is all he manages before Dan starts to sit up and crawl over him.

“Wait, Dan, no, I don’t know.”

Dan arches an eyebrow, leaned over Phil’s body and almost to his phone. “What do you mean, you don’t _know_? What could possibly be happening to cause that many notifications?! Has Chris finally been arrested for being a shit and starting a pub fight and we now need to bail him out?”

Which, okay, that’s actually a good point and plausible reason for this to be happening.

At that, it vibrates in Phil’s hand as if on cue to prove his disbelief. The screen briefly lights up, showing a list of notifications that seems to scroll on forever. He needs his glasses before he can read who they’re from and what they say so he shoves the offending object into Dan’s hands and reaches out towards his bedside table to try and find them so he can know what’s happening. In the middle of fumbling around and knocking things off of the small table, he hears Dan loudly say “what the _fucK_.” Phil finally finds his glasses (after freaking forever) and turns towards him in concern.

“Why’re you saying that, Dan? What are you ‘what-the-fuck’-ing?”

Thanks to his trusty glasses, Phil can finally see Dan’s face clearly: it looks like he saw a ghost and his eyes are pooling with tears ready to drip down his beautiful face. Phil doesn’t like that; someone so amazing doesn’t deserve to be on the verge of crying. “Bear, what’s wrong, what happened? I promise you no matter what that I love you and you’re the best person I know, please just say something.”

Dan’s hand is shaking as he wordlessly hands him the phone. Phil has no idea why he’s suddenly so upset. An existential crisis, anon hate, just general sadness??? He hits the home button with his thumb to look at the fragments that people have texted him or who’s called him in the last twenty minutes and all he sees are a ton of texts from Peej, Chris, and Martyn urging him to check YouTube and to brace himself and that his mum has called at least seven times. He reaches the end and sees there’s a twitter DM from Charlie McDonnell (which is weird in and of itself) and all that it says is, “they unprivated it.” Scrunching his face up, trying to remember what he privated, Phil sneaks a glance at Dan who’s sitting there with his hand still out from giving him the phone and has tear tracks down his cheeks, with fresh ones falling at an alarming rate; and all of a sudden he puts it all together.

Christmas last year, when Dan was in India on holiday with his family.

Editing and Drawing in Microsoft paint.

Biting his fingernails while watching Dan open the file on Skype.

Dan’s exuberant smile and the best Skype call sex yet.

“Oh.”

_Oh fuck_.

He feels everything around him stop, he feels hollow and his fingers are numb and he can feel it spreading. Everything starts spinning and he hears Dan give a small whimper. No, it couldn’t be. Right? This can’t actually be happening, YouTube would never cock something up this badly, surely.

Phil aggressively smashes his password into his phone and checks his account on the YouTube app. It’s sitting there, staring him in the face. He goes and looks through the texts fully, watching people become more and more worried about him with every small text bubble. His phone vibrates yet again and this time it’s his mum calling. It snaps him out of his reverie and as he hits “accept” he reaches out for Dan, pulling him close to his chest. Dan’s started full-out crying now and Phil can feel the hot tears on his naked shoulder.

“Hey mum.”

He’s pretty amazed he managed to say anything, really.

“ _Phil, love, are you alright? Martyn texted me and told me what happened_.”

At the sound of his mum’s voice, Phil breaks. He lets out a constricted noise from his throat as he realizes that this isn’t dream-ception or a really shitty nightmare, it’s actually happening and all he wants is to be in his mum’s arms and have her tell him it will be okay and how to deal with it because he needs to be here for Dan, but how can he do that when he’s just as much a mess?

_“Oh, Phil, I’m so sorry. Shhhhhhhhhhhh. It’s okay.”_

He’s joined Dan in crying and he’s shaking now, too. Phil’s throat feels like someone’s just shoved a bag of cotton balls down it. He chokes out a broken “Mu—uum,” and lets out a wet sob; as his breath hitches from crying he feels slight pressure on his sternum. He remembers that Dan’s still in his arms and wraps as much of his arms around him as he can while still holding the phone up, petting his curly hair.

“ _I’m coming over there. I don’t care what traffic is like, I’m going to be there in thirty minutes most_.”

The call cuts out but Phil’s still holding the phone up to his ear. Dan’s muffled sobs become background noise and he can feel snot being rubbed on his skin, but he doesn’t care. They deserve to be happy, but more importantly they deserve the freedom to live life how they want to without major backlash. However, Phil’s become a rather large YouTube star (not Smosh level, but still) and he has quite  few subscribers who have probably seen the video. He doesn’t want to see the comments, he doesn’t want to have to confirm or deny that he and Dan are together, Phil wants to stop hurting and he wants Dan to be happy again. He wants to go back to that first meeting at Manchester-Piccadilly in 2009, when they could do whatever they pleased.

 

x-X-x-X-x

_I’m down to my skin and bone_

_And my mommy, she can’t put down the phone_

_And stop asking how I’m doing all alone, alone_

_But the truth is the stars are falling, ma_

_And the wolves are out c-calling, ma_

_And my home has never felt this far_

x-X-x-X-x

 

He hears his mum use her spare key to get into the flat. Has it really been twenty minutes already? They hadn’t noticed, or moved for that matter. Phil wipes his face with the duvet wrapped around their legs and takes a shuddered breath before calling out to his mum that they’re in the bedroom. Dan’s still propped against him and hasn’t spoken yet, which Phil finds concerning because he can’t really tell what he’s thinking right now.

The door opens and Dan finally moves somewhat to see who’s there. Catherine Lester stands in the doorframe like an angel sent from above and Phil thinks he’s going to start crying again because he knows that she’ll help them get through this and he’s already super emotional anyways.

“Hey, boys. I’m here to help in any way I can. Have you had anything to eat yet? Have you even left bed?”

When Phil shakes his head that no, they haven’t yet, she has a small smile and goes over to sit by them, wrap her arms around as best she can, and kiss both on the forehead. “Well, there’s a good place to start. Phil, how about you go get in the shower while Dan and I make breakfast for us all. I think that would work well, what do you think, Dan?”

The question trails off into awkward silence when he doesn’t answer straight away until he blinks slowly and looks up at Phil’s mum.

“S’alright. Thank you for coming to help us.” His voice is croaky from all the crying but he manages to finally talk and give a tight-lipped smile that’s a bit more of a grimace but Phil appreciates the effort no less.

“Excellent! C’mon loves, it’s not the end of the world, we can find a solution, just need to get moving first! Phillip, go shower; I’m going to have a quick talk with Dan and then we can make eggs.”

Phil pushes himself up off of the bed and walks over to the master bathroom, grabbing clothes along the way. Through the door he can hear bits and pieces of what his mum and Dan are talking about but he really has no clue beyond the fact that he hopes that she’s comforting him. He turns the knobs to achieve a perfect temperature and slips under the spray of water.

He’s a firm believer in Shower Thoughts™. You know, how when you shower you get excellent ideas? Phil often comes up with his ideas for videos in the shower, but he also just finds it a good place to ponder over life in general. And honestly, life has gone to shit today and so have his thoughts. Everyone has insecurities, they’re just amplified when you feel poorly; for instance, Phil is now thinking about whether or not Dan will want to stay together because he essentially just outed them on YouTube. It’s an even bigger deal because beyond outing them as a couple: Phil knows Dan has been super private about his sexuality because he didn’t want anyone to know about it just yet and now over 20,000 people do. Wait, YouTube outed them. Not Phil. But he was the one who uploaded the video, so maybe? His head continues in a cycle of self-doubt that results in him being in the shower for almost 45 minutes, until his mum bangs against the door yelling that breakfast is ready and “Phillip Michael Lester, you better have left some hot water for Daniel or else.”

He shuts off the water and dries himself quickly, trying to think of how he can talk through this with him; even though he’s confused and in pain, Phil knows he needs to stay strong for Dan.

 

x-X-x-X-x

_But all this driving_

_is driving me crazy_

_And all this moving_

_Is proving to get the best of me_

_And I’ve been trying to hide it_

_But lately_

_Every time I think I’m better_

_Pickin’ my head up, getting nowhere_

_x-X-x-X-x_

Now assembled around the breakfast bar with scrambled eggs and cut fruit courtesy of Dan and his mum, Phil knows they need to talk. He’s not sure where to start, but it seems like Dan’s just as lost so that’s a comfort. The only noise in the room is scraping flatware on ceramic plates and Dan’s taken to tugging at a lose thread on his jumper near his sweater paw and Phil is shoving food in his mouth to stall talking.

It feels weird for them to be so cautious around one another because even when they first met it had never been this bad and the awkward is suffocating.

After ten minutes pass without anyone speaking beyond his mum’s endless chatter, Phil decides to discreetly check his social media on his phone. Twitter’s exploded, his tumblr tag is filled with gifsets and screenshots of the video, and old schoolmates have messaged him on facebook, asking him if he’s gay or not; which, not that he’s going to respond to them, but he’s bi, thanks very much. While picking through texts he’ll reply to, Phil feels a fork poke his thigh and looks over to his right where Dan is seated and staring at him pointedly, having a conversation with Phil through his eyes, but he’s too drained to be able to try and do that right now. So he does the next best thing he can think of so they can speak: cut his mum off mid-sentence.

“Hey, uh, mum?” he asks, knowing full well that this probably wasn’t what Dan wanted, but he can tell they need to talk for a bit, like actually talk and work out how to solve what happened. He feels the fork _jab_ into his leg this time, and huh, there’s confirmation from Dan this isn’t what he intended.

She stops in the middle of telling them a story about the time that their fish, Frank, was accidentally given dried chili flakes instead of fish food and how she convinced his dad it made him swim faster, with her eyebrows raised in silent question.

“I think Dan and I are going to go have a lie-down for a while, maybe chat some, if that’s okay.”

Nodding as he expected her to, she agrees. “Sounds good, I’ll just do the washing up and then go out to the store to get some food for lunch.” She begins to clear the dishes when he reaches out and takes Dan’s hand and tugs him out of the chair. Phil pulls him to their bedroom and when they get back inside and shut the door, he falls face-first into the mattress and groans. Dan shuffles over to him and lies down on top of him, causing Phil to giggle a bit.

This whole entire thing is ridiculous. Absolutely absurd, that this video is the one that the website had to malfunction on. He continues laughing and he knows he’s on the verge of hysteria but this is all stress being released. Dan’s slid off of him and now sits next to him, tracing small circles with his fingertips under Phil’s shirt. He understands that Phil needs a moment to decompress. Phil’s laughter quiets until it eventually stops.

Dan continues to draw circles and eventually asks, “Have you checked YouTube yet?” Phil snorts.

“No, but they sent us an email apologizing. An email, like that’d change anything!” It’s out there now, and although it would be hard to rescind the video and not out Dan, it’s not entirely impossible. They’ve had many arguments over these past (almost) two years about coming out before it’s too late, with Phil in favor of and Dan being against it.

He flops over much like he did this morning and shuts his eyes. “We’ll check later, because we need to figure some things out first. Like, are you ready to come out yet or no?” He looks over at Dan to gauge his response and is met with his head shaking firmly and he starts breathing quicker.

“No! If at all possible, no. I’m so sorry Phil, but I’m not ready for that yet,” Dan says as he starts biting his lip and looks anywhere but at Phil. He wants find everyone that’s bullied Dan in the past and pelt them with rotten fruit (violence isn’t Phil’s thing) because he shouldn’t have to be scared to be himself around anyone.

“Hey, Hey it’s okay, Bear. That’s fine. I’m good with whatever you want, we just need to decide how to explain the video and Martyn has a friend from Uni who’s a lawyer and is willing to help me copyright the video so nobody can repost it anywhere. It’ll all work out.” Phil sits up now and hugs Dan, something he’ll never grow tired of, and they stay like that for a good bit of time before he yawns.

Dan’s eyes seem to be drooping as well and he’s reminded of how they woke up pretty early today and all the shit they’ve been through so far. They lean back and wrap the duvet around both like a strange human cocoon. “We can deal with all that tomorrow or whenever we wake up again, yeah?” Phil thinks that Dan has already started sleeping until he hears Dan hum in response and feels him hunch into the covers further, trying to get away from the cold of the rest of the world.

Phil’s keyed up because he knows that the longer the video stays up and the public can reach it, the bigger the mess will be but Dan’s body heat and slow breaths lull him to sleep and take him away from the nightmare of reality.

 

x-X-x-X-x

_Take me back to the basics and the simple life_

_Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease_

_Your touch, my comfort, and my lullaby_

  _Holdin’ on tight and sleepin’ at night_

_Holdin’ on tight and sleepin’ at night_

x-X-x-X-x

 

Of course, it’s never that easy.

His mum wakes them up before she leaves after having been there for seven hours and Dan leaves to use the master bathroom while Phil stays tucked into the warm bed. He knows he should wait to check, but he’s so afraid of what Dan will see in the comments and wants to protect him so he opens the app anyways.

When Dan opens the door suddenly, Phil shoves his phone under the covers and tries to act as nonchalant as he can (which, honestly, isn’t very at the moment). Dan stands there and squints at him, he saw Phil stuffing the phone out of sight and sighs. “Phil, what were you doing?”

His façade slips for a second before he drops it completely. “I was going to check the comments, see how bad it is…” Dan’s eyes narrow further before he starts to shake his head in disbelief. Phil’s confused; he thought he was doing the right thing in trying to shield him from the hate and negativity, but apparently not?

“Dan…?”

“Unbelievable. Phil, I thought you trusted me when I said I’m not some teenager anymore. I can handle it—I’m so tired of you trying to protect me all the time, I just want to be treated as an equal in this relationship.” At that, he turns and walks out of the room. Phil’s head is reeling. He didn’t mean to make Dan feel unequal despite their age gap; he just wanted to keep him away from all the pain.

Once more, Phil groans and covers his face with his hands. If only he wasn’t so famous. Well, okay, semi-famous, more like pretty well known, but still. He doesn’t completely regret YouTube because that’s how he met Dan, but now that he has legitimate fans who already entertain the idea of them being together and study their videos, life’s gotten so much harder. It’s harder for them to go on dates, and more importantly it’s become harder to just hang out, even at home alone. They’re paranoid that someone will just pop around a corner and go “I saw that, omfg phan IS reaL!!1!” It is so weird to not be comfortable in his own flat. It feels a bit like his parents are there and if they see them doing anything beyond chaste kisses, they’ll be reprimanded.

He’s conflicted about it right now.  YouTube is simultaneously the best and worst thing he’s ever done. He loves that he can share his thoughts with tons of people and make an impact on their lives, but it’s starting to be at the price of his own.  

Phil Lester loves Dan Howell and would do anything to keep him from unnecessary pain at almost any cost, even their fans can tell. Why can’t Dan see that?

 

x-X-x-X-x

_I’m down to my skin and bones_

_My baby listens to me on the phone_

_But I can’t help feeling like I’m all alone, all alone_

**_The truth is, the stars are falling, babe_ **

**_And I’d never ever thought I would say_ **

**_I’m afraid of the life that I’ve made, I’ve made_ **

x-X-x-X-x

 

Things improve over time, Phil eventually copyrights the video and they come up with an excuse that it was an April Fool’s day joke that they decided not to post. It works, for the most part; satisfies the subscribers, satisfies Dan, which ultimately satisfies Phil, but he can’t help but to be a bit sad. This would’ve been an amazing opportunity to come out and no longer live in fear. He respects that Dan’s afraid and honestly after how much he was bullied in school, he doesn’t blame him.

_But_ …Phil hates the hiding. He feels like he’s lying to the fans, and more importantly, himself. The people who don’t know that he’s bi; if he never says and they’re secretly bi-phobic, does that mean that they like the _real_ Phil Lester? Or just the one that they see through their computer screens?

All he wants is for someone to love him completely for who he is; every aspect of him, flaws and all. And he’s pretty sure that Dan does, but every time he wants to stay hidden it feels like he’s ashamed of Phil. If he wasn’t with Phil, would he be out? He hates how he can’t answer that or ever know.

Phil feels like a lie and he doesn’t like how he can’t share such an important part of his life because some people disapprove of how he’s living it.

 

x-X-x-X-x

_I’ve been lyin’ to them all_

_I don’t need it anymore_

_Don’t you worry about me_

_I’ll be fine if I can breathe_

_I’ve been hidin’ for too long_

_Taking shit for how I’m wrong_

_How I’m wong_

_Always wrong_

x-X-x-X-x

 

He knows that they’ll make it through this. It’ll be rough going for a bit, but they’ll pull through in the end, they have to. Otherwise they will have gone through it for nothing and give up and Phil may not be one for violence, but he’ll always fight for their love. He wants to go back to that first weekend and the simplicity of it even though it’s impossible.

All he can do is hold his breath, try to keep his head above the water, and wait out the storm. YouTube brought them together and he’ll be damned if it tears them apart.

Besides, something as rare as them can’t be destroyed.

The universe is rarely so lazy.

 

x-X-x-X-x

_Take me back to the basics and the simple life_

_Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease_

_Your touch, my comfort, and my lullaby_

_Holdin’ on tight and sleepin’ at night_

_Holdin’ on tight and sleepin’ at night_

x-X-x-X-x

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed, I liked writing it, and sorry that I'm Sherlock trash (that last line tho). Again, do what you want with your life, but it'd be hella rad if you gave me kudos or comment or bookmark or whatever!
> 
> Okay, sorry, AND, 
> 
> HANGRID IS REAL?????? TRONNER MIGHT BE CONFIRMED???? TYLER'S GOING ON DATES???? 
> 
> Who else is freaking out a bit right now, because I am, I'm freaking out a ton. hmu on tumblr @ jonathan-the-minnow-has-a-rave (I'd love to add a link but honestly I don't know how) if you want to talk phan, life, youtubers, anything really


End file.
